I didnt want to know anything about them to avoid feeling that hurt again.. Of course in this situation you have to work together, which makes things tricky.

Cuz without me…she’s prone to do a lot of dumb shit and I don’t want her ruining her life. I was home alone and her presence was greatly missed. I felt humiliated and rejected. I called him that night and left a voicemail telling him that I miss him and that I was sorry for the way I acted. Then as i got older and realized “I’m in control of my own destiny and my own life and have been all along” that anger and guilt shifted towards myself for feeding into their nonsense so long I was messing my own self ,my own relationships, my own life completely UP. But repressing sadness and rage has long term effects that can be even more difficult to deal with, so it is definitely a case of the sooner you allow your feelings out and start letting go the better. Charlotte, that sounds really heart breaking, and obviously a loving mother’s worse nightmare is seeing their children get hurt.

She was screwing an attorney. I really see that most people have to get to a place in their healing before they can forgive, and until then, they need permission and support to feel all the anger and rage and grief that comes up in the process of healing from abuse. I may have forgiven but I don’t have that person in my life as I haven’t forgotten. Another thing that helps in the process is to imagine the situation when this person wronged you and try to imagine how they feel, what they think, where they’re at that moment…in other words, to be compassionate! I watched this video with interest and read few comments… My question still remains though : if forgiving is most of all about forgiving yourself, how can you ever do that when you feel that you are repeating the same mistakes? Forgiveness is to a large extent a Christian concept.
Debbie, Spiritual practices and energy healing in general, such as those in Christianity have been the most powerful for me. When you forgive, you give yourself a gift. I try to give gratitude for at least three things every day. She is the only mum I have, I wanted to love her, however in becoming a mother myself I found my heart harden even more towards her, it hurt. They had been separated for a year, and our entire family was so happy he was finally going to be “free”. In my opinion, you’ve done nothing wrong. And if it WAS intended to hurt me, I can decide to not let them succeed at hurting me, and instead feel sad for them that their life has come to enjoying seeing the pain of others.”, You CAN say, “My time and thoughts and energy are precious to me and I choose to take away the learning and move forward. I just don’t know how to make her understand her own self worth. I can’t forgive him for the verbal insults, for the pain, for the abandonment, for the cheating.

I sooooo needed this message today! The funny thing is that 1 year out, I have forgiven her and still like her (won’t trust her again, nor will I work with her again), but now I need to forgive myself. It was with more pride than courage. Dont get emotionally involved – keep it professional. It sounds like you have tried hard to be patient. We also see a need for control here. And this relationship sounds like love addiction over a healthy one. We have met few times this year when she was visiting but in the company of her fiancé and the interchange is at best like a colleague at work. I found a husband who treats me like gold. Here’s the thing. They want to feel empowerment over you a see you get in your feelings. Sheri,

Hi Jo. It may even do more damage for the person in need of forgiveness to think things are okay when they’re really not.

I wanted to share my own struggle with this aspect of forgiveness in the hopes that it helps someone else. To be honest, even if this woman suddenly disappeared, you’d find a way to be upset about something else, because as you can see, something inside of you drives you toward upset and difficulties. We had a nice time at the gig and we all drank a bit too much. Darn good advice! Thanks so much for sharing Daniel’s wisdom with us. Fred, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story so bravely and so eloquently. Briefly I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse which has left scars but I have had a lot of therapy over the years. i just can’t believe after almost 12 years that my daughter and i can be discarded so easily and thoughtlessly. I usually comment on the YouTube videos comment section, but I came here from Facebook today. And yet when it’s our turn to be the forgiver, it can be a different story. It is what quietly feeds the world. But you can’t make a rainbow without a little rain.

I might get along with someone for a while and then I just don’t (they insult my morals and principles) and I can never get past that. I found writing really helpful. It’s been days I am trying to deal with my pain. First, the healing process brought up all of the issues to relook at under a microscope. But can you take a second to give yourself some credit here? I feel extremely calm. I don’t actually recall what I said but the gracious comments and funding that night, I know I was heard. He does not think he can ever forgive me for the choices I made. It’s not normal or healthy to only rate yourself based on how you look, we’d highly advise seeking some counselling over this. “If only I had done this” etc. I am finding hard to forgive my husband for allowing his ex-wife to be abusive to myself and my children. Hmmm I love the practice of forgiveness in all of its complexity. Thanks so much for sharing it here.

It’s not whether or not “they” deserve forgiveness. I’m sure I sound like a complete wimp but it has hurt me worse than I thoguht possible. Thanks for the insights. At the very least, we’d guess that one of your parents was abusive to the other. We wish you well with it! I totally agree with Marie’s point, willingness to forgive is really important, its like taking responsibility/ owning what happened to you, which can be a lil difficult.. I think is what Louise Hay who said to talk to ourselves like we are a little child. My husband left for a week. Forgiveness is such a powerful experience, because it can change everything about our lives in the twinkling of an eye. He believes everything is the past after it happens and thats where it belongs even if your hurt from the actions. Eli, what a horrible thing to have to go through. If we could possibly learn to like each other as people, not as a father and son, maybe a relationship would be possible. I agree! Thank you, Marie. Maybe better communication your BOTH of you. I appreciate your kind words and advice and I really like the boundaries thing..
There are always promises that he will sort it out and put some boundaries in place but she only has to call him and he will do whatever she asks. The few people that I have told, tell me that it did not happen to me personally.

Well said, Marie. I was with him at 5am, in his bed, holding him when he died. I look back to see what the lesson of the situation was and how I grew from it. Thank you!!! I’ve lost my best friend and my daughter’s “daddy”, and his extended family (cuz they are all nervous to talk to us now, since we are getting the big D). Not in the entirety of the world’s history. My whole family has rejected me, my own mother leading this. In order for me to move on spiritually, I need forgive and let go of grudges and anger. Gain my trust and then laugh at me because it was a lie).

Get it all out of your system at once. But during this time I completely cut communication with the other guy and realized I didn’t feel for the other guy. Wow. In fact, I looked nothing like her at all. It is time to start sharing and helping others in a bigger way. Your pal also, It may take some time, maybe put some of your Anyways…she’s very dark and vengeful and she doesn’t know how to sort her feelings….and this is a trend. We all make mistakes. I had no clue (looking back there were some red flags) and I thought I was the one. But I am willing to forgive you as many times as I need to … Bring on the forgiveness layer cake … And any other constructive tips and ideas …. I feel good about it and recently they made a comment to me about how happy they are that things are as they are today. but if I am holding onto seeing someone as culprit, it usually is related to somewhere inside myself I am holding myself as culprit. Talk to people you trust and if you can, consider a counsellor. So I keep trying to create a situation in which I can tell him the exact same thing he said to me. Some people choose to cut family or friends out of their lives entirely, but as you mention, that’s not always desirable or the right choice for everyone. It is important to remember that you are much more than what has happened to you. But we’d point out your first instinct was, as you said, to tell him if it happened again ‘I am gone’. And to others with the hype of self-forgiveness you say: “Enough already!”. Thanks! Get your partner or a friend to come with you wearing an altered “I’m With Stupid” shirt so it says, “I’m with My Loved One Who Is Suffering and I Want You to Listen to Her and Stop Making Her Life Harder.” Make sure they position themselves so that the arrow points to you. I have been betrayed and hurt more than I wish to go into.

Can I not forgive someone but have compassion for myself?

That’s my pattern- I literally emotionally check out and off I go. If she asked…I’d mostly be honest.

I’m currently in a situation where I need to forgive. Thank you for writing this , it is difficult understanding abuse that come from your own parents !

He continues to find every reason to not be present with our family. My personal experience is quite recent. How do you logically decide whether to rebuild a relationship and try to regain the trust or just let it go?

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